I bought a refurbished camera today. I just feel naked without a digital camera of my own. I kinda hate borrowing other people's cameras.

"I don't hate you, Cardassian. I hate what I became because of you." - Miles O'Brien

I still have a fair amount of anger and sadness that I dip back into far more often than I care to, even though it's been more than a year since I talked to either major participant in my poly nightmare.

( More Scar Analysis behind the cut... )

I don't hate Rose, her behavior was understandable given the circumstances. I don't hate Caradoc, although I should. I just hate who I became, because of him.

I made a new top from a downloadable BurdaStyle.com pattern (6022 Jocelyn to be exact), and used it as part of my new Renfair outfit.

( Renfair outfit behind here... )

I got my hair cut last Friday, and donated 12" to Locks of Love. Tonight was my first 'test drive' of my bob with a little curl added courtesy of the hot rollers.

I'm actually happy with the way I look with lightly curled chin length hair. :)

The party went well, and I did take some photos. Unfortunately, you don't get to see them, because I blew up my camera this morning and need to get the memory card to Carrie so that she can copy them for me.

I now have my character for the 'Murder in May' mystery party.

Wendy (Peter and Wendy/Peter Pan).

Now, do I raid thrift stores this week to find a dress I can alter, or try to make something from scratch, or see if I have the stuff in my closet already that I can fake it?

I came out to my parents last night as a crossdresser. Mom admit to being uncomfortable, and thinks I shouldn't do it on account of some of what's been in the news, Angie Zapata being the big one. I gave her reassurances about going to vouched for venues and out with good friends.

We'll see how they settle in the next few months. I don't expect it to be a smooth road, but at least I'm not omitting information about what I'm doing some days.

We still have hope...

It's good that the jury saw through the defense strategy. However, it won't bring one of my sisters back, and it still shows the sad fact that, as wrong as hate crime legislation is, we still need it.

I went with my good friends Mike and Shane to The Pub on Pearl here in Denver to see Savage Henry do an acoustic show. Being my usual, devil may care self, I dolled up for a venue I'd never been to, to see a band that I know the people in it, who didn't yet know of my transgender status.

About the strongest reaction I got from any of them was from Damon, the lead singer and front man of the group. And even that was a momentary, "Oh, what, oh, ok, just you, I can deal," and then move on. Everyone was incredibly accepting of me, and I even found out that John, the bassist, had some experience with transgender because of his mom being a liaison between the community and social workers some years before.



As for the club, aside from a couple of stares, there was no issue with me being there at all. Overall, a very, very good night for me and my friends.

Tonight, I'm finally fulfilling a challenge Marji passed to me when I took her to experience Tracks.

I'm going to see a local band, a band that I really like, a band that I happen to know several members of, as Lynn.

Yes, admittedly, this is a rather... cavalier action for someone who has only been out in public for less than two years. But I've never liked to hide part of myself from people, and this is included.

I wonder what sort of reaction I'll get from Damon and Stew?

I found out last night that the management at Tracks has decided that, since they have the bulk of the people showing up after nine for the Rock Band Night, that they're changing the opening time from 7 to 9.

I have a problem with this, obviously.

First, if I keep to my normal show up, leave at 11, this basically will cut off any idea of drinking so that I'm OK to drive, and on top of that, I'd only be there for two, maybe two and a half hours, tops. So, in that vein, they lose out on $10-15 worth of income from me, right off the bat. And then there's the fact that it takes me over a half hour to get myself into a clubbing look, and, well, it becomes a serious chore for little gain.

Secondly, if I were to merely stay later, that basically puts me as leaving at 1, and getting back here, cleaning up, and in bed at 2. This, obviously, is a bit of a problem, as I have a day job that I get up for. Granted, I don't have to actually get myself out of bed until 6:45, but one can do the math and realize this is pretty well non-optimal. I can do that a couple of times a month at the most before I really start suffering, since I'm no longer a young little clubbable thing. Hence, I'd do it at most once a month. They'd see $10-15 for one night, as opposed to four.

I'm not really keen on either option, to be blunt, and I think it would take something pretty amazing for me to keep going semi-regularly. I'm still going next week, but that's because Blade, the current hostess, promised something special for us regulars.

....is that it's a hell of a lot easier for me to recognize when someone's playing the Passive Aggressive game with me.

I think that I've progressed past the point that I need SL anymore.

This doesn't appear to be really related to my relationship issues there, although certainly I acknowledge that I was there because people that I cared about were there, and i wanted to be with them. It's more that I've been going out more and more as Lynn, at least once a week if not 2-3 times a week at times, and that accounts for a much bigger emotional impact than the girl time I can get online. I've joked about 3 hours of Lynn time in real life being worth something like 9 hours of Lynn time online, but I'm thinking it's become more lately.

The other factor is that anyplace there that I've considered home has either closed, or something happened that I could no longer call it home. This has happened several times, a combination of club lifespans with the internet lifespan. Which means a few months at best, and then I'm cast loose again in the world.

This past week I haven't been in for more than clearing out the message queue. I haven't felt anything like the desire to really spend time there, if I have it's been more just to have something running in the background while I do other things.

I'm not planning on deleting the account, but I suspect that I'll be doing some cleaning out of inventory in the very near future with it.

Yet another online signpost to maintain. Oh well, here it is.

http://www.myspace.com/lynnindenver

I was talking a bit of fashion with Mike, one of my friends that knows, mostly about style, and showing him some pics. He commented that I looked a little vapirish because of my makeup. Some pictures look better than others. Well, my makeup wasn't really meant for photos, but to give me a proper presentation in front of others.

Well, one thing I learned with his comment, and looking at my pictures with the new perspective, is that I need to use the red lipstick sparingly. ( Some comparisons behind the cut )

Obviously, while I'll still use the red lipstick from time to time, using it is about to become a lot more sparing compared to the pink.

The fight between the religious desire that everyone conform, and the trans desire to live as we need to, continues in several areas. The frightening part is that many people consider that we can change to match society expectations.

As a crossdresser, I will admit that, yes, I can 'suppress' my transgender tendencies. But, having examined myself since I started acknowledging this a couple of years ago, I can tell you what that entails:

I was irritable at work, to the point of angry outbursts, which started to subside as I began exploring my feminine side.

I was susceptible to manipulation and emotional abuse in a cyber relationship that started shortly after I began presenting female online.

I was subject to online addiction until I realized how severe my gender problem, despite, I think, not being quite far enough to qualify as TS, actually is.

Now, the way I see it, even if my case isn't potentially fatal, it's capable of causing me no end of grief and trauma. On the one hand, I fly in the face of society's rigid gender structures, and some people automatically find it offensive because they have their own unanswered doubts about the way they've been raised. On the other hand, trying to squeeze myself into that tiny little gender box for so long rendered me capable of flying off the handle easily, that I had serious affirmation issues that enabled others to take control of me, and indeed made me very much a social disaster waiting to happen in most senses.

I'd rather have a fighting chance to make my sanity checks than cater to anyone else's feelings about how the world ought to be.